Can you tell me what you think? 1st Draft letter to realtors

[Mecca Swineherder]

(business name, web address, logo)


Hello everyone at the Such and Such Real Estate Agency!

My name is so&so, I have been a licensed massage therapist for over 7 years and I recently moved to your area. I own Tranquil Blue Mobile Massage, an elite personal care service that brings luxurious professional pampering into the convenience and privacy of my client's home or cabin.

First, I would like to invite you to visit my website (address mentioned above) so that you may get an idea of who I am and what I have to offer you, and in turn what you may offer to your clients - the highest in professionalism and luxury.

My business is based on the belief that my clients' needs are of the utmost importance and I am committed to meeting those needs. It is my goal to pamper and spoil my clients, what is a better time to be pampered and spoiled then when one is stiff and sore from moving, AND celebrating a new home? What appreciation you would receive for giving such a gift!

I would love the chance to speak with you about ways in which we can work together. Complimentary coupons are available for you to gift to your new home owners as well as bulk discount offers if you would like to use massage gift certificates as Thank You gifts for your clients or employees. I am also available for on-site opportunities, such as open houses or customer appreciation days. (On-site massage is an excellent ‘attention-grabber’!)

I am including several coupons for your personal or professional use and I welcome the opportunity to earn your trust and deliver to you the best service in the industry!

I look forward to working with you in the future should you decide my services would be an invaluable way of thanking your present clients and staff as well as building your business.


Thank you for your time,

So&so
Phone number
email address

*******
THis is the 2nd draft (touchofgrace had some nice adds)- how can I change this and what can I add to it? I have been stumped about this for awhile, is it enough to pique interest?

These agencies work with the local lake area, which i realllly want to get into by summer time, plenty of business in an area where cost isn't as much of an issue.
I will also modify this letter for local salons and stylists.

Critique away - can't wait hear what you have to say - its always good info around here!
Thanks!

 

[Pompal 09.]

Sounds great! I just reworded it a bit and you can use it or not..just throwing in my 2 cents as that's usually all I have. lol And what an awesome idea this is! I hope you do well with it...

I am ______________. I’ve been a licensed massage therapist for over 7 years and have recently moved to your area. I own Tranquil Blue Mobile Massage, an elite personal care service that brings luxurious professional pampering to my clients in the privacy of their home or cabin.

As a professional therapist, my business is based on meeting my client’s needs which brings me repeat business and referrals from many of my clients. What better time to be pampered and receive therapeutic massage than when one is stiff and sore from moving, AND celebrating a new home? What appreciation you would receive from giving such a gift!

I would love the chance to speak with you about ways in which we can work together. Complimentary coupons are available for you to gift to your new home owners as well as bulk discount offers if you would like to use massage gift certificates as Thank You gifts for your clients or employees. I am also available for on-site opportunities, such as open houses or customer appreciation days. (On-site massage is an excellent ‘attention-grabber’!)

I am including several coupons for your personal or professional use and I welcome the opportunity to earn your trust as I deliver to you the best service in the industry!

Please feel free to visit my website for a list of my services. _____________________

I look forward to working with you in the future should you decide my services would be an invaluable way of thanking your present clients and staff as well as building your business.

Thank you for your time,

 

[hoachincosuts]

Ahh - I like those changes - especially the one to paragraph two.

I was thinking I would like to mention something about working together and the business opportunities - i was looking for another word to 'piggy back marketing' (which i didn't think sounded too nice, accurate, but not nice). buuut I think your response is nice, think i'll use it! Thank yoU!

 

[ButtersRules]

I like TouchofGrace's version. It flows well and delivers all the needed information.
I hope it brings you lots of new business MaybeMobile? I live in a tourist area with lots of summer homes/cabins & disposable income. Even though they are just here for the summer months, you'll find that clients who appreciate you and the service you offer will be loyal and can be great sources of refferals.
Please keep us posted on how it turns out for you!