Help!!!! Need advice on being introduced to my boyfriend's daughter. (Sorry so

[Joretha I]

long but very important? Me and my boyfriend had our first date on 10/30/10. I am 33 and he's 28 (not of importance, but just wanted you to know we are both mature adults.) We both have little girls. Mine is 6 and lives with me and his is 7 and lives in another state. So, anyway, we both felt a strong connection after just a short time of dating. For me I didn't believe in true love or marriage and didn't understand how people could even be together longer than 5 or 10 years. But I am unconditionally in love with this man. Not only do I now believe that you could love someone forever and be married to one person for the rest of your lives but I actually pray everyday for strength and maturity to get through obstacles in life with him. And he feels the same way. We talk about marriage and we have actually picked out baby names, he chooses the girls name, I choose the boys. And we are now at an obstacle...He wants to move to SC to be near his daughter. I have no problem with this, in fact I am behind him 100% and told him that me and my daughter will move with him because I understand the connection between a parent and a child. I'm away from my daughter 3 weeks every year and it is so depressing for me. So I told him I will go with him and I'm excited about our family being complete because right now we are on 3/4 complete because his daughter isn't near us. We has talked for months about living together and all and then he went to SC to visit and his daughter's mother gave him a really hard time about being with me and wouldn't let his daughter come to visit him this year. So he came back saying he still wants me to move to SC but he wants me to get a separate apartment because he wants his daughter to gradually get to know me. But I'm a single mother and I have no friends or family in SC. I am making a sacrifice by moving me and my child there to be with him and I kinda feel like he's not willing to make a sacrifice for me. I told him that we will not be affectionate around her, like hugging or holding hand or honey, baby, or any of that. I just want to know what other people think of this. I know this is a difficult situation for him cause he doesn't want to lose me but he doesn't want to hurt his kids feelings. We talked about it the other day and we both cried and he said that I'm suppose to be the mother of his kids and the person he spends his life with. But would anyone move to another state to be with someone and get a separate apartment? I am so confused and scared.

 

[Jamie]

I think everything you're feeling is perfectly normal. You are making a big sacrifice to move to another State to be with him and he should do the same. I personally think that his child's Mother should not be able to tell him what he can and cannot do. It seems as if she has the upper hand when it comes to raising their daughter.

I think even if you both lived together, you could still gradually get to know his daughter. I'm sure she wouldn't be there all the time. I would be a little weary of moving all the way there and getting my own apartment, changing my life and my daughters life completely and then something happen between the two of you and you've made this sacrifice for nothing.

I think you two should come to a compromise. I'm not sure what state you live in, but maybe if it's an adjacent state you could come visit on the weekends to get to know his daughter and once everyone is comfortable, then make the move there.

I wish you the best of luck and I pray everything works out for the best! Stay strong!

 

[Alexandra Briony]

The child is not the problem, it is the child's mother.

Children are resilient.

The problem is that he is allowing his ex to dictate and if you do as he asks, who knows when she will allow you two to live together?

You need to talk this through NOW>

I would not move, knowing that another woman would be dictating the pace of my relationship.

 

[BobbiBlu]

First of all, the ex can not tell him his daughter can't visit and that you can't live together. The courts will frown on this. I went through this with my husband and his ex. There is nothing she can do. Have your honey contact an attorney in SC for a free consultation. It is hard to be in your situation and hard to be in his. Knowledge is power and give you the freedom to live your life with out a manipulative woman controlling it.

Read about Blended Families and Parent Alienation Syndrome. You are going to need thick skin. Remember his ex is not the one he loves when he is putting you second.....it is fear driving him this way.

 

[katydint]

My Dear~
I understand.
Imagining what it'd be like if the shoe were on the other foot, if it were my kid with the worries, I think I would be open to such a request - with the agreement that daughter & I would be in the apartment for a limited time (3mos or less is plenty) AND that his daughter not be shielded from these 2 facts:
1-Her daddy and I are boyfriend and girlfriend, are in love and will be seeing more of each other
2-Daddy's relationship with her isn't threatened one bit, we would like to help her see and feel that, thus she needn't behave defensively.

By presenting yourselves with confidence and a positive, warm spirit (which, it appears, is already part of your character), there is every reason to believe the girl will come around.
No matter WHAT her mom says or does, the child does have eyes and a mind of her own: let your conduct and demeanor continue to be one of love and respect, and you can be assured that no matter what happens, it's the best that could come from the situation: you've given your all to the matter and put yourself 'out there' in effort to make things succeed.

In the end, let your conscience be your guide, allow yourself to really review personal issues of concern, such that things important to you (big or small) don't fall by the wayside during these early years with your man and your developing family. Your daughter will learn more than books can share by observing you and internalizing feelings which come along with such events.

Very best wishes, I think you have a great future awaiting!
http://www.zoekardz.com/files/familyand2girls_1_.jpg

 

[PJ-]

Tell him that it's unacceptable, and in all honesty, impossible. He wants you to move to a new city, where you don't know anybody, don't have a job, to get your own apartment? Explain to him the sacrifice that he's asking you to make in the first place, then explain to him how much more of a sacrifice it is to get your own apartment. If he cares for you as much as you say he does, then he won't make you do this either.

Kids are resilient little things, and something like this will bother the kid for a little while, but she will get used to it. I've seen it happen many times, and every time it's the same. Kid is difficult at first because it's a new situation, once the kid gets used to it, she will accept it, and even welcome you into her world.