You know you walked into a bad MP when...

[ALLURING]

HFH stands for "Hands From Hell" instead of "....Heaven".

The shower is a sink with an extendible shower head attachment.

The motivational message on the wall for the mpa's is "Grip it and Rip it" or "Gone in 60 seconds".

The clocks are digital and moves in 2 minute intervals.

The parade of girls consists of one lady and she weighs more than you(unless you're really skinny).

You wonder if that's acne all over the mpa's body.

The mpa's name is Pat and you really can't tell if she is a male Pat or a female Pat.

 

[Jane S]

They use dishwasher liquid for soap in they're shower.

You ask for nude reverse and she says, "You're already naked"

You see a sign on the wall..."If you see a string, please don't pull it" (Think about it)

You see another sign on the wall....."Not responsible for stolen cash in your back left hand pocket"

Yet another sign saying...."Cameras are here for your protection and our perversion

Your choices are oil, powder, or sand paper?

You notice the Adam

 

[Sam Y]

Eek...Run out now!!!

 

[vodafonewtf]

The most attractive girl available looks like the Elephant Man's sister.

 

[Healthy Environment]

She introduces herself as Constable Kandy.

 

[dannieboy255]

There's a revolving door on all the massage rooms.

 

[DanP]

- The floor is all sticky when you walk into the room

- The attendant has more hair on various parts of her body than you do

- The attendant is cleaning up the room as you walk in: she just flips the towels over on the table and the room is ready

- The towel has various spots on it

- The shower is a bathtub with a curtain around it

- The receptionist that greets you has just been on TV as a news reporter that is currently doing an insider's view of the massage industry

- The shower stall doesn't have a door

- The carpet is filthy, the walls look like something has been spilled on them, there are things hanging from the ceilings, the door knobs are sticky

- The attendant has more gold/silver in her mouth than all the jewelry you own

- The studio is right across the street from a police station

- The attendant has cold sores on her mouth and various blisters/warts on her hands

- The attendant has taken a training course with Vanessa @ Back Fitness and she has the diploma mounted on the wall

- The attendant has really, really big hands (makes everything, ahem, look small)

- There's a window in the room where the people on the street can look directly into the room

- The attendant's picture has just been on the news as a suspected cannibal

- The attendant is Lorraine Bobbitt

 

[bluesclues]

You are in downtown Toronto. lol.

 

[canizzy_123]

- All the people standing/sitting in the waiting room have "To Serve and Protect" patches on their shirts.

 

[Laura B]

Your mom greets you when you walk in.

 

[Sybil]

Your attendent comes to greet you with red pubic hair stuck in her teeth, and her lipstick is all gone.

 

[Big Dummy]

...when the $200 door fee doesn't include the tip.

...when the bombshell says she "only answers the door" and the MPA will be in in a minute (after you're in the room/already paid) Bait and switch...[guess who that is].

...when they say you pay later but don't say how much (unless you're at Michiko Spa or Nona's).

...when the attendant says it's her first day ever (at an MP).

...when they say absolutely no touching is allowed.

...when they say there are no showers (yuck)

...when the place is so filthy, you're afraid you might get germs from turning on the faucets in the bathroom.

...when they say the time you spend in the shower comes off the massage time (Fu--in' "A", for cryin' out loud. How chintzy can this get? You'd think she'd appreciate your washing up beforehand).

...when after you've entered the place, the attendant looks at you like you're cutting into her TV time or something (she must not wanna make any money and her customer service probably sucks)

...when the rooms have no doors/the walls have peepholes.

...when the MPA brings a cell phone into the room with her.

...when you can't figure out where that stench is coming from.

 

[hourse]

you see Rusty walk out.

 

[Elsie May]

.... and Vannessa walks in and gives you her "special treat" oh the nightmares continue...

 

[Funnel]

- Nobody (including the receptionist) can speak a word in English.

- The MPA wonders why you were lying face down when she enters the room.

- There is no shower any where in the parlor.

- The MPA can "spray" the "baby oil" on to your back.

- The place or the girls smells like week old halibut.

- The creamy white shower soap doesn't have any fragrant scent and feels rather sticky and insoluable in water.

- There's more sand and pebbles on the carpet than the roads outside after a snow storm.

- The slippers have fungus or mushroom clusters growing near the toe areas.

- The towels have holes in them and appears to be rotting before your eyes.

- The towels have brown stripes and smell like poo.

- The MPA puts on rubber surgical gloves.

 

[K K]

The total cost is $15 including tip - and it's fair value.

Their best MPA is out cashing her Old Age Security cheque.

V12

 

[Blue Boy]

The MPA has brown stripes on her and smells like poo.

 

[momma31]

You end up dying at the MP and you are married with kids.

 

[Dream M]

Right at the end of release, confetti and a "10,000th Customer!!" sign falls from the ceiling, and NOW comes in to take your picture for the front page.

When she lies face down for her massage, and you see that HE has been tucking.

When a duo means that you lie on one table, another guy on the other, she stands in between, and often switches hands.