Chat Jokes please

[snoopdoggie]

No more beaches for this summer.
View attachment 112523

Wow, are these people desperate to get a sun tan?

 

[snoopdoggie]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me" Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Later, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.

Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him,

Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" asks the newcomer.

"It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she asks.

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 63 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here!"

Ha ha ha. He should have demanded his 500 bucks back.

 

[Jumpin’ Jack Flash]

Ha ha ha. He should have demanded his 500 bucks back.

He’s lucky he didn’t burp

 

[Jumpin’ Jack Flash]

Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible
rate at which one can die.
Number 8 Men have two emotions : Hungry
and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .
Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.
Number 4 All of us could take a lesson
from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase
cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

- - - and as someone recently said to me :
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."

 

[Jumpin’ Jack Flash]

Viagra

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it’s generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of ‘cocktails’, ‘highballs’ and just a good old-fashioned ‘stiff drink’.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

[snoopdoggie]

Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible
rate at which one can die.
Number 8 Men have two emotions : Hungry
and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .
Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.
Number 4 All of us could take a lesson
from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase
cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

- - - and as someone recently said to me :
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."

Some of those thoughts are pretty funny and can get you thinking more about things. I like the one about the taxes. That was funny. About health nuts, and being healthy, is that going to just give us a slow death? Or by not really eating well, and not caring care of yourself we'll probably die quickly, without feeling much pain? Something to think about. Most people would want quality of life rather than quantity of life.

 

[snoopdoggie]

Viagra

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it’s generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagrawill soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of ‘cocktails’, ‘highballs’ and just a good old-fashioned ‘stiff drink’.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

I almost bursted with laughter. I love this one.

I would name Viagara, as the end result of the treatment, as opposed to the problem:
Mycoxaharden, Mydixafillin, or Fillapussioffen.

 

[loves to lick]

You will love this one, I haven't stop laughing yet. For those of you who don't know , cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the "guards," probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails. A few months ago, Prime Minister Trudeau, received and was reading a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Alberta, Saskatchewan and Manitoba . The ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Minister of the Agriculture to fire half of the "cattle" guards immediately! Before the Ministers of Agriculture could respond and presumably try to straighten Prime Minister Trudeau out on the matter, Deputy Prime Minister Chrystia Freeland intervene with a request that...before any "cattle" guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining. 'Times are hard,' said Chrystia Freeland it's only fair to the cattle guards and their families be given six months of retraining! ' And these two people are running our country, Passed on to you without further comment... I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING - - - - OH LORD HELP US!!!!

 

[snoopdoggie]

You will love this one, I haven't stop laughing yet. For those of you who don't know , cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the "guards," probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails. A few months ago, Prime Minister Trudeau, received and was reading a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Alberta, Saskatchewan and Manitoba . The ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Minister of the Agriculture to fire half of the "cattle" guards immediately! Before the Ministers of Agriculture could respond and presumably try to straighten Prime Minister Trudeau out on the matter, Deputy Prime Minister Chrystia Freeland intervene with a request that...before any "cattle" guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining. 'Times are hard,' said Chrystia Freeland it's only fair to the cattle guards and their families be given six months of retraining! ' And these two people are running our country, Passed on to you without further comment... I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING - - - - OH LORD HELP US!!!!

Ha ha ha why did he want to fire the cattle guards? They can get jobs at border crossings. Haha ha.

 

[cupcrazy]

 

[Dongo]

Started an annual thing a few years ago. I spend one day a year socializing in the hope of finding a hot girl for some great sex. No luck yet and I don’t know where the family reunion is this year.

 

[BigDare88]

 

[OG_funguy]

View attachment 112593

Fuck, you know how badly you're missing hobbying when a fucking cartoon wonder woman looks so damn hot!

 

[Dongo]

I took up nudism …. what a free feeling. The boys breathe, the cool air caresses your entire body… I wish the mall cops were more supportive.

 

[cupcrazy]

Translation: one year after tattooing, the flower has blossom

 

[BigDare88]

 

[cupcrazy]

 

[cupcrazy]

 

[snoopdoggie]

View attachment 112608

I'll give that a 10 for originality and artistry.

View attachment 112615

Too much pizza and beer!

 

[snoopdoggie]

View attachment 112600

Get ready for your injection.
This won't hurt a bit.