Lemme run this by you.

[Tomb Raider]

I am working on a front page description of the school. I like to simply things without speaking down to folks. How does this strike you? Too personal? Not professional enough? It would be better if....?

thanks guys...gonna work on it some more.

 

[lisaraeneal]

It would be better if the quote box didn't eat my indents... :roll:

 

[HALOW]

My $.02:

Even though you sound like you try to keep an informal atmosphere, the primary introduction to your qualifications for someone coming in cold is your text.

IMO, if your front page text is not coherent, grammatically correct, and well-structured, some of the people you want will be turned off.

For instance, first section revised, first draft:

"Greetings Fellow Massage Therapists, welcome to "School,"

If you've been performing massage for very long, you may be realizing that you have more questions than ever. You may be discovering that, as you branch out into treatment of more complicated conditions, your routines and massage recipes are not consistently "getting the job done." Why does one client's body respond so well to your routine, while the next person with a similar complaint responds poorly? Does it seem like your techniques are magic for one individual, but the next person might be improving in spite of you?

Maybe you're ready to move on to the next level: Being an amazing therapist!

Here's a secret- the best technique in the world is still an ineffective technique if it's not the right one for the job. For instance, would you use pressure points to flush muscles on an athlete who has just finished a race? Of course not, commonsense tells us that long strokes encourage fluid movement in the soft tissue, making it a much better choice. It's that simple- match the technique to the physiology of the muscle pathology.

What else does an amazing therapist need? Learn your anatomy. Anatomy, you say? Are you thinking of the many hours you spent learning your origins, insertions and actions, the days you spent toiling over books and flash cards to memorize muscle names and bony landmarks? Well, certainly you needed to know this to pass your board exam, but here at "School" we know that learning physiology with our hands as well as our head is key to becoming an amazing therapist. "

blah blah more text more text...

When I'm writing text for anything important, I splat it all down on the paper, EVERYTHING I can think of that is relevant. I write it all out, then print it off. Then I take a highlighter and an ink pen. I highlight keywords in every sentence, then I start crossing off the duplicates. Second I start crossing off anything that is too much info (in your text, your "for examples" are mostly too specific for an intro page.)

When this is done, I type it up again, this time putting 2-3 sentences in each paragraph, and leaving lots of white space between each paragraph. Print again.

Then it's time for my arrows and revisions. I need to do two things: fix the sentences, and put them in order.

Once I've done that, I type it out one more time, and start with the minor tweaking.

I know it sounds like a lot, and it's not an informal process at all. But it takes a tremendous amount of work to write something that sounds informal, rather than just sounding unprofessional or illiterate.

Now it is midnight.

: I'm going to bed!

 

[happygirl]

Thanks... this was my first good splat of words. Points well taken. 3am here....need to sleep myself.

 

[stormgale89]

It's cliche but have you tried consolidating everything into your "elevator statement"? ie - what you would say to someone in the time it takes to reach the bottom floor in an elevator....30 seconds or less. Start there and expand outward with detail.

What do you do?
How will it help me?
What results will I see?
How will my business change?

Answer those questions and you're golden. People want to know why spendning their money with you will be worth it.

Angela