What do you think of this part, I'm trying to introduce new characters... opinions?

[????? ??x??? l?c?? ?????]

After we thought we'd

never make it to the town

to get water

or food,

we'd resorted to lying on the ground

in the shade

underneath a bare tree

until our blackberry infused saliva

moistened our mouths enough

to be able to wet our lips again.



Even in broad daylight,

every rustle from

the brush

behind us rose

goosebumps on

our skin.



"Wren,

do you even think

that..."

her voice trailed off,

quavering heavily.

I had an idea

of what she was

going to say,

"Mother will

take us back?"



I raised an eyebrow

and chose my words

carefully,

avoiding her heart-wrenching

stare,

"Evie, I know

just as much

as you do right now,"



She nodded briskly,

and the brush rustled again,

but this time

it did not stop.



Evie and I jumped up,

and she leaned in

to get a closer look,

but I yanked her

backward,

warning her to

keep away.



We abandoned the quilt and

the blackberries

and tarp and

hurried frantically

across the street,

to safety in case we

were under attack,

when a dark shadow

erupted from

the tall weeds;

my heart has nearly stopped,

my eyes pinched shut,

yet my legs were

telling me to run

and get away,

to escape,

to keep us alive--



Until Evie tugged on my jacket

and said quietly,

"Wren, look..."

I took her word and

forced my eyes open.

I saw,

standing across the street,

a boy and a girl;

abandoned,

homeless,

helpless...

just like us...


- - - - - -

It's in poem form because that's how I'm making the entire story, and it's coming along pretty well, I think. Your opinion please? Did I do well introducing the new characters suddenly? Thanks!
@??q??d????un ??????os: What don't you like about it? The form? Lack of description? I'm trying to make it better, but I can only do that if you can tell me what exactly you don't like about it.

To the rest of you, thank you! I appreciate it. All of the chapters are about this long, and that one didn't have a lot of description, but I will put in more what they looked like in this chapter, to experiment ^-^
I know it reads awkwardly, but I thought I'd try something new since I'm not very good at writing actual novels, plus, if I compiled this entire chapter into regular paragraph form, it would be about a paragraph long. That wouldn't work out very well.

 

[Miss Bookworm]

I find it interesting how you want your story to be in poem form! There is a lot of imagery, especially in the beginning. The plot itself is very gripping and I like it. I just feel like the whole thing is kind of rushed. Maybe add a little more story before they frantically run to find a safe place. Because for me, their talking about their mother and all of a sudden something happens and they start running. I could really imagine how well the poetry would be if you would describe why they are there in the first place. How they got there.They feel lost, scared, abandoned, etc... Build up to it a little more. Make things a little more clear. Not too obvious but enough for the readers to think more. Other than that, it is really good! Good luck!

 

[Sickobadicko]

its pretty good! i like how you give Wren a protective identity while Evie has an innocent and harmless sort of personality.

 

[Kyo~!!]

Oh wow, this is really good! I bet you could add more about what they were like. Perhaps they were a bit scared looking as well, or they looked braver, something like that.

Overall I liked it! I got sucked in in two seconds, lol!

 

[??q??d????un ??????os]

Very hard to keep reading a piece like that. Do you really wish to tax your poor readers so? What have they done to deserve this?